Over for M/MSU Game is Previously Undiscovered Theoretical Number

(from MZone wire reports)  Las Vegas, NV -- Las Vegas bookmakers attempting to set the "over" for this weekend's Michigan-Michigan State game have discovered a previously unknown theoretical number said to be higher than infinity.

Phillip "Fat Tony" Mozzello, oddsmaker for Caesar's Palace, said he and other Sin City bookies stumbled upon the number Saturday night as they gathered at Harrah's to establish the betting line for the following weekend.

"With the explosiveness of Denard Robinson, we initially thought the over/under for that game was gonna be about 70," said Mozzello. "Then we watched Michigan's defense in the Indiana game and the line immediately jumped to 170. But Petey 'Little Mikey' Riggatoni at the Flamingo said that was still too low. Especially with Greg Robinson and his 'Bend (Over and Grab Your Ankles) But Don't Break' defensive scheme."

Sal "Medium Nicky" Provelone, head of gaming operations for the Riviera Hotel and Casino and Is That Place Still Open?, agreed. "We worked on it into the night and at 3 a.m. it was still going up. Finally, we said fuggedaboutit had to call some math guys."

The final result is a theoretical number that can not yet be expressed with a numerical value. When reached by the MZone, mathematicians at MIT said the number can be explained in layman's terms as pi times the population of China times that problem on the chalkboard in GOOD WILL HUNTING.

ED. NOTE: Benny is expected to make a full recovery after
 taking this unauthorized photo inside a Vegas sports book

Rufus the Bobcat Murdered, Brutus Buckeye Under Arrest

BREAKING NEWS:

(from MZone wire reports)  Athens, OH -- Ohio University mascot Rufus the Bobcat was brutally murdered early today and Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye has been charged.

Less than 72 hours after Rufus attacked Brutus in a brazen daylight assault inside Ohio Stadium, the big-headed OU mascot was found dead in Athens, Ohio on the sidewalk outside of a popular campus eatery.  Following the discovery of a blood-soaked buckeye nut necklace at the crime scene, police quickly focused their attention on Brutus Buckeye.  Responding to a tip, the longtime Ohio State mascot was apprehended fleeing the area in an '85 Chevrolet Impala with a "Fuck Michigan" bumper sticker.

Athens police chief Dan Tana said the crime appears to be a "mascot revenge killing" in retaliation for the incident at the 'Shoe last weekend.  Tana claimed Rufus's murder was "just another example of the escalating cycle of mascot violence in America today."

But friends of Rufus disputed that assertion.  They say that while Rufus has had run ins with the law in the past -  such as his public intoxication charge when he was arrested with head coach Frank Solich following the head coach's DUI in 2005 - they were minor offenses and the mascot had turned turned his life around.

"He was going to A.A meetings, keeping clean," said a fellow MAC mascot who wished to remain anonymous.  "The thing in the 'Shoe?  Rufus was just always jealous of the big program mascots.   Hairy Dawg at Georgia, Puddles the Duck at Oregon, Herbie Husker at Nebraska.  But especially Brutus.  Brutus really got under his skin.  He got all the attention in Ohio and I think Refus just snapped.  Now, he's paid the ultimate price." 

Jewish Religion Adds Holiday, Splits Into Divisions

(from MZone wire reports) Roslyn, NY - The Jewish religion has decided to add Presidents' Day to its calendar of holidays, allowing it to split into divisions and hold a championship game.  The move had been widely expected ever since January when Rabbi Herb Goldstein said members of the faith were studying ways to compete with the larger and more well-known Christian religion.

But as news of the impending expansion broke, many fans of the traditional Jewish calendar were outraged to learn that the Jewish High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, were being placed in separate divisions.  According to sources close to Temple Beth El B'nai, Yom Kippur will most likely be moved from its traditional early fall date to early-summer.

Shalom, Presidents' Day!

Rabbi Ross R. Rosenrosen defended the move.  "We understand folks have grown to expect Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur back-to-back -- especially non-Jewish college students who score the football tickets those weekends off the Jewish kids on their dorm floors who have to attend services.  But we wanted to spread out our two biggest holidays, like the Christians do with Christmas and Easter.  Plus, we didn't want Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur potentially meeting again the following month in our title game."

According to MZone wire reports, the new divisions will be as follows: the Abraham Division will consist of Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, Chanukkah, Purim, Lag B'Omer and Tisha B'Av while the Moses Division will include Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah, Tu B'Shevat, Passover, Shavu'ot and Presidents' Day.   The championship game will rotate between West Bloomfield, Michigan and South Florida.

There had been some speculation that Good Friday might bolt the Christian religion for the new Jewish super-league but in the end it decided to stay put and continue its longstanding weekend association with Easter Sunday.  Sources tell the MZone that the 4th of July was also approached but, in the end, the summer holiday powerhouse decided to remain secular.

Some religious scholars questioned whether or not the addition of the relatively minor Presidents' Day was a good move.  But the financial lure of a championship game and the added exposure to a faith that makes up just 1.78% of the population in the United States proved to be too much to pass up for one of the oldest religions in the world.

Many now fear the Jewish realignment could lead to other faiths making a run on the remaining independent secular holidays in order not to get left behind, leading to just a handful of super religions.  However, at press time, none of the other major religions in the United States had announced any changes, although the Christians said they were studying the moves by the Jewish faith.