New Moon Analysis

Hey Bloggers!

So I've decided that an Andy Rooney-esque article would be a good addition to the blog. Hopefully it hasn't already been done. And for those of you who don't know who Andy Rooney is, he's the old fart on the discontinued show 60 Minutes. I realize that doesn't really narrow it down. He would take unfunny aspects in every day life and put a funny twist on the weird things people do every day, kinda like a "What's the deal with airline food?" thing.

As much as I don't wanna get mauled by every girl in school, I've decided to choose the second addition to the "Twilight Saga: New Moon."

I would like to start by saying.....I don't get it. What makes girls go crazy about vampires and werewolves? I get that Edward's super hunky. But there's not a girl in this world that would make me bring my homework, lunch, supper, sleeping bags, pajamas, extra underwear, and a survival kit to go to the midnight showing of a movie. Am I missing out on what it means to be the person with the best seat so everyone can hear her scream when the vampires and werewolves come on the screen? Probably not.

That brings me to my next point. Now I understand that the Beatles could make a girl faint or throw their undergarments on stage. It's a girl thing. So we'll give you the screaming. But since when have girls been this obsessed with science fiction creatures?? I was told Jacob first appeared wearing a pair of finely ripped jorts (jean shorts). Now I realize they probably revealed his fantastically werewolf hairy knees, but it's just not fair! There is no way I could wear jorts like that and immediately have girls scream at me and throw their britches at me. It's not how real life works!

Once again, I hear they're super hunky, but have you ever been on a date with a werewolf!? Let me paint you a picture. Jacob picks you up in his super, totally hot sports car. The two of you stare intently at each other at the booth of the local T.G.I. Fridays. The waitress comes up and asks what the two of you would like for dinner. Jacob says, "We'll split a bottle of your finest wine. She'll have the bruschetta chicken pasta, and I'll have a Ribeye....rare." Mmmmm how romantic. As the two of you are deep in conversation, a little drop of blood dribbles down his strong jaw. You wipe it off your napkin. It's love at first sight. The date continues with a stroll through the park. I don't think people do that anymore, but it doesn't matter. You're so lost in his eyes that you don't realize what's happening around you. Something causes you to both stop. You stare in his eyes. He stares in yours. The world is spinning. Clouds part over head revealing the most magnificent full moon. He turns into a hairy beast and devours you whole.

That is what would happen ladies! It's a scientific fact. Now I realize I have most likely just angered every girl age 10-45, but it had to be done. It's not real life. There not that hunky. And if it were real life and you all had your dream date with Edward or Jacob, you'd all be dead!! So....ladies....just remember, I don't turn into a carnivorous beast or try to suck blood when it gets dark.