Big 10 to Schedule Baby Seals in 2011

(from MZone wire reports) Chicago, IL - After Big 10 teams played the weakest non-conference slate in recorded sporting history last weekend - yet still dropped two games - commissioner Jim Delany announced today that each member school will schedule an actual baby seal beginning in 2011.

On Saturday, the storied conference played nine teams that put the cream in creampuff: Akron, Austin Peay, Ball State, Bowling Green, Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Northern Colorado, Northern Illinois and Temple.  Even still, Temple gave Penn State all it could handle, Toledo beat Purdue, and Northern Illinois topped the Program Formerly Known as Minnesota.  This coming on the heels of UMass putting a scare in Michigan at the Big House and South "They have a university let alone a football team?" Dakota taking out Minnesobaditspainful.

Are you not entertained?

"We have our league members schedule these games because they're sure, easy victories.  But that's not happening like it's supposed to," said a visibly angry Delany.  "So starting in 2011, I've asked each school's AD to schedule a baby seal."

When asked if "baby seal" was a merely a euphemism for more shitty and 1-AA teams," Delany shook his head.

"No.  I mean I want them to put a live baby seal on their schedule, have it come to their home stadium and then club the living fuck out of it," said Delany. "I want the sure 'W' so we can return this proud conference back to where it belongs."

Big 10 coaches seemed unanimous in their support of Delany's decision.

"I think it's a good idea," said Golden Shower Gopher head coach Tim Brewster as he was uploading his resume to Montser.com.  "We had to go through a murderers' row of a non-conference schedule this year.  Middle Tennessee, South Dakota, Northern Illinois.  All the directionals.  That's not even mentioning USC."

Before he could elaborate further, Brewster was whisked away by trained medical personnel after school officials read about the coach seeing "progress" and good things ahead for his football team following the NIU loss.

Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez was also in favor of scheduling the baby seals.  "Your star player has just as much of a chance of getting hurt against a 1-AA school as a real school," said Rodriguez who was still cleaning the urine stain off his pant leg following the luckily-not-serious injury to Wolverine QB Denard Robinson.  "But against the baby seal, nobody should get hurt and a lot of guys will get a chance to play.  Something that doesn't always happen when you schedule a tough non-conference game against a football powerhouse, like say UMass."

Asked if such a schedule meant fans would get a financial break, Ohio State AD Gene Smith laughed.  "Good one," he said.  "No, no.  We're still going to charge them the same ticket price, seat licensing fee, parking and exorbitant  food prices we charge for, say, the Michigan game that we were stupid enough to almost change to October.  The team gets the breather, not the fans.  But good one."

Reached for comment, SEC commissioner Mike Slive said his conference had no intention of following the Big 10's lead in the scheduling of baby seals.   Slive insisted the SEC would not stoop to such levels and would instead continue to schedule home-only games against roadkill and corpses as has been league policy for years.

Iowa's 2011 Home Opener